"This was not going to be an easy failure of understanding to correct"  - Joan Didion

She was talking about herself and the death of her husband, but I think this sentence might apply in other situations.  I actually copied down a lot of her other stuff when I was reading Slouching Toward Bethlehem. I just started The year of Magical Thinking.  I didn't really like either when I started.

This same thing happened when I read Annie Dillard for the first time.  Now I love her.



(this just started out as a FB post and I am now on a tangent.)

Every time it rains I have this inexplicable urge to frantically run around out side looking for things that need to not be getting wet.

Well, after. . .

I have this problem.  At least one that I am going to discuss specifically now.

I always do this thing where I tell myself.  "So when *this* happens then you can think about *that*"

Jonathon calls it "I'll be happy when"  - of course "when"  never really happens or it does and I have came up with something else that would make me happy.

I realize that this issue is really about contentment.  Contentment is something that this blog is about.  Finding what is really worth it.

When I started the blog, though, or even last summer, when I started thinking about this idea.  I didn't think about the next step.

What if I find something that is going to take change, work, effort, sacrifice, and it might just be worth going through all of that.

Maybe.

Something new.  Something never previously considered.  Something big.

Is it really worth it?  Is it going to make me happy?  Will the sacrifice pay off this time?

I don't know.  I really really really don't.

I wish I knew why I was compelled to try.  I keep wanting things and change and movement.  It is so much safer staying still, but I can't.  It isn't me, it hurts, too much of this stillness.

Contentment - might just be - may just be - accepting this part of me.  Going for it.  Finding my happy, my contentment - in my movement.

Regardless of the outcome.

Worth it.

"Cups" Tap Dance - Anna Kendrick (Pitch Perfect)