"This was not going to be an easy failure of understanding to correct"  - Joan Didion

She was talking about herself and the death of her husband, but I think this sentence might apply in other situations.  I actually copied down a lot of her other stuff when I was reading Slouching Toward Bethlehem. I just started The year of Magical Thinking.  I didn't really like either when I started.

This same thing happened when I read Annie Dillard for the first time.  Now I love her.



(this just started out as a FB post and I am now on a tangent.)

Every time it rains I have this inexplicable urge to frantically run around out side looking for things that need to not be getting wet.

Well, after. . .

I have this problem.  At least one that I am going to discuss specifically now.

I always do this thing where I tell myself.  "So when *this* happens then you can think about *that*"

Jonathon calls it "I'll be happy when"  - of course "when"  never really happens or it does and I have came up with something else that would make me happy.

I realize that this issue is really about contentment.  Contentment is something that this blog is about.  Finding what is really worth it.

When I started the blog, though, or even last summer, when I started thinking about this idea.  I didn't think about the next step.

What if I find something that is going to take change, work, effort, sacrifice, and it might just be worth going through all of that.

Maybe.

Something new.  Something never previously considered.  Something big.

Is it really worth it?  Is it going to make me happy?  Will the sacrifice pay off this time?

I don't know.  I really really really don't.

I wish I knew why I was compelled to try.  I keep wanting things and change and movement.  It is so much safer staying still, but I can't.  It isn't me, it hurts, too much of this stillness.

Contentment - might just be - may just be - accepting this part of me.  Going for it.  Finding my happy, my contentment - in my movement.

Regardless of the outcome.

Worth it.

"Cups" Tap Dance - Anna Kendrick (Pitch Perfect)

Wake Me Up

I probably won't be posting much for the next couple weeks.  I am finishing up my creative writing course, Thanksgiving is over and Christmas is upon us.  Christmas program practice with 4 of my children, church, keeping the people here fed.  Kyle's birthday - 12 - eek!  Jonathon and I's 10th anniversary.  Working on the property and finishing the cabin.  The thought of decorating or gifts is at the last moment.  My prayer is that with the beginning of advent things will come into perspective.  And, Amazon.  5 more weeks and this next one is a 60 hour - I'll wake up in 2014.

Rain falling on a barren tree

A barren tree –

it produces not.  For a season

it’s spindly branches of gray and brown and white

hold nourishment – waiting.

Few dead, wrinkled, sad leaves hold on

waiting for the next blast of the winter wind.

Sight blends.

Rain drops blur lines.

It smells clean and cold and comforting.

Drops soaking up, in and around.

Silvery clear bright spots.

Held but for a breath.

Another comes and

pushes it away.

Always moving

but In that

moment. 

Still.

Disposable

Being so tired, from not thinking, but moving constantly, that you can't think.

Worth it

Working at Amazon

I might actually hate it. 

Maybe not pedophiles hate

but I really do hate it. 

Is there a metaphor for it?

it is a beehive

it is a think tank for underachievers

it is like one of those boxes

with the maze

and the little ball

that you tilt different ways to get from the “start”  to the “end”,

It only has two exits

It feels trapped

this is significant.

It roars –

in varying degrees, volumes, intensities

All day long

It is lonely in the midst of thousands of people. 

It is very very lonely.

And my feet hurt. 

A lot. 

It is like going into Walmart

putting a banana in your cart

then a fishing lure,

over and over and over for 10 hours

246 isles

6 sections

3 floors. 

It is all for the money.

Damn money.

Ellie says

You will break your skull you marshmallow on wheels

(I won't mention which sibling, who happened to be wearing roller blades at that moment, this was directed at, but you can probably guess)

(I also won't mention to her that I found this creative insulting so amusing)

Kissing power

I wonder what it is like to be about two feet tall?

To be able to see up everyone’s nose.

I wonder what is like to understand but not speak?

To be able to grunt and get what you want.

I wonder what it is like to poop in a diaper?

It’s gross – that’s all.

I wonder what it is like to get everyone to kiss you?

It is powerful.

I wonder what it is like to be so damn cute?

It is perfect

It is him.

Journey says

"Where was I when you were a little girl?"

Ellie says

Mom!  I don't have to carry him.

Worth it

Isaac says

If you can't smell it it's not there.

I wish

I was staring at this instead oof the bee hive.  I wish that I was being inspired or inspiring instead of tolerated and tolerating.   I wish that I could find a way to feel like this made a difference.  

I know it does, to us, to our dream.  Our future.   It doesn't feel like it though.   I can keep walking though.   With just the knowledge.   The brain,  in the most brain numbing place.  Over coming the heart.  Getting one foot to move in front of the next.

Walking.   Walking.   Walking.

working

I have a hard time writing working - because I never stopped working, but working at Amazon is different. It is lonely.  I get to see Jonathon on breaks but I spend most of my hours not talking to anyone, either in print or real life - most of my conversational partners being children, notwithstanding, I miss having people to talk to.  I like to talk.  I wrote really amazing pieces to put on this blog or submit for publication or to simply inspire the world, while I was working, they are all gone now though.  I suppose they served their purpose -

Disposable

Almost 2 miles from the entrance of Amazon.  Creeping traffic.

Worth it.

Worth it.

Our Tree - an observation

It is big – it could be old,

The rings telling the story of each year

but it isn't, at least as far as trees go. 

It is young, fresh, and new. 

It's trunk isn't brown,

not like a child's tree drawing,

it is gray

the only brown is in the shadows of the rough, deep, bark

It is only brown in the shadows. 

It contains tints of greenish-blue as well,

of moss,

they are growing together,

changing over time and season,

Two as One. 

The roots are above the ground in places

It isn’t right that they do that and the tree not fall over. 

The true roots, the stabilizing ones, are hiding under the earth.

The tree is strong, heavy,

it is the 3rd post for the tree house, it is a part of our daily life.

It would produce these horrible little pokey balls every fall,

Spreading its spawn throughout the yard.

it doesn't now. 

It is ugly,

Bald

because the 4 large limbs were cut down off its top. 

The leaves still come back -- determined –

out of stumps, up ten feet.

The tree, it is our helpful, tolerated, friend.

Poems

We are doing poetry in my creative writing class.  It is kinda fun.

Here is a sonnet about dogs.

Dogs

I hate to say I like them

They are most annoying and gross

I am sure my feelings stem

From what they do the most

Poop – how I hate disgusting poop

It is always on my shoe

It makes a big and smelly gloop

That can be overlooked by few

Regretfully I must admit

That I am one of those

One in the house, it is a bit

Silly that I choose

One in the front and one in the back

Plenty of dogs I do not lack.

Never done

Brown and brittle are the beans of yesterday

Into the compost they go – the scent is nothing in the cool of the winter days.

And, yet, the earth does it work

The lettuce barely a trace of what it will be

The pots of pretty petunias are empty – replaced by the perky faces of pansies

The earth’s work is never done.

Herbs flourish – the dill prepares for the summer days of cucumber

Half frozen leaves of tall cannas make home for a spider

Earth moves always round.

Disposable.

A broken mop.  I am pretty sure it is a sign from God that mopping in general is a waste of time.  ;)

Worth it

Kyle the bubble muffin maker - best dishwasher in the south.

Saluting the Sun

I wrote this over a year ago.  It came to mind today at Ladies Bible Study.  

Thurs Aug 2, 2012

Saluting the Sun

I like the idea of rituals.  Well, maybe not, actually I think I like ritual, but not the idea of them.  They breed guilt, though, only in the not preforming them when I say I am going to preform them.  When I first became a Lutheran, or started to consider being a Lutheran I reveled in the ritual of the liturgy.  I came from a method of worship that told me that ritual made you care less, that is wasn't authentic.  That was a hard thing to break, and I think it is part of what is holding on here in my mind.  There is safety in that ritual though, it takes *me* out of the picture.  At least were my faith is concerned it doesn't require me to conjure up some (fake) expression of emotion or need to impress.  The words are right there in front of me, most of them from the Bible and I can just relax in that.  So I like the idea of this ritual, it is comforting, to know I don't have the responsibility to be earnest *enough*.  I am finding this true in other areas of my life as well.

I would like to make it a ritual to do 3 sun salutations, that is a yoga thing for anyone that doesn't know, every morning.

I would like to write on this blog every morning and evening.

I would like to recite a prayer with each of my children individually everyday.

I would like to floss my teeth twice a day.

These are all good things - but did you see what has just happened there, this became a list, a check-mark sheet, another way to tell myself that I am  not good enough when I don't do it all or how awesome I am when I do.  I know that I can not put myself in a situation that breeds legalism, because I know I like it.  I like the yummy feeling of all of my check-marks being marked.  And I despair at them not.

I don't really know what to do with it.

Worth it

Worth it.

Day light savings time

I couldn't quite put it into disposable or worth it - It is really messing with me though.  It might also have to do with the fact that AJ was waking up at 5:30A every morning, or earlier, and this morning woke up at 4:30A thinking, of course, that it was 5:30A.  I dragged myself out of bed at around 5 and turned on the TV for him.  I hate doing that but it is what it is.  I am tried.  I could go to sleep now, I think that it is almost my kids' bedtime but it actually isn't.

I am glad that it will be light when Jonathon and I start leaving for work together in the morning in the next week or so.

Disposable.

Reading blogs of people that are way cooler than you.  Or, reading your own old blogs that make your feel embarrassed for being who you used to be or that you are that same person.

Salad.

Jonathon salad and chicken salad.

Journey says

I am ready to go to the store.

Worth it

Found this lovely lady in our backyard this morning.   Fun to look.  Scary to touch.

Because I am supposed to

It was Halloween.   I dressed up my kids.  This proves it. 

Where to go from nowhere - 2

The decision

Like so many things in my life, this property was not love at first sight.    I simply could not see myself there – until I actually was.  This is something that sets us apart from the animals, I heard that somewhere, the ability to envision.  This is also a quality that, for better or for worse, I possess strongly.  I envisioned myself somewhere else.  It was not the first time that I had looked in this area.  I had previously, wholeheartedly, rejected the possibility.  I couldn’t quite let that go. 

Despite my concerns we went to take a look.  .  It was motivating that they had a few plots open, which had not been available, when I had visited the previous spring.  This time we brought the whole family, it wasn’t just me that had to be able to see it.  It had to be all of us.  We loaded up in our 12 passenger van, affectionately known as either Clifford or The Beast, and drove. 

The company that owned this area created farm subdivisions.  I had never heard of this before, but they had a streamlined process; with owner financing and a low down payment.  Honestly it seemed too good to be true.  It would work perfectly for our family.  This plot was 6 acres and private but not secluded, and quiet, blissfully quiet.  Not a siren or speeding vehicle to be heard. 

I talked while we made the 45 minute drive, laid out all the details, the pros and cons.  When we arrived we got out and walked, Jonathon, my husband, asked me again what the terms of the deal were.  Could we really live with the sandy terrain?  Most importantly, would the drive to work for him, to church, to the nearest grocery store 20 minutes, be worth it?  How much more would that add to our budget?  By the time we left he had said “let’s do it.”  I was scared.  It was too easy.

I made the phone calls the next week.  Money exchanged hands, paperwork was signed, notarized, and mailed, and we were land owners, or at least had possession of the land we would one day own.  A dream had been realized.  I thought that this was the moment that everything would change; but the skies didn’t open and burst forth with the Hallelujah chorus, there was no words written in the sand, there was no sign.   Life simply moved forward, the world continued to spin, it was just right and peaceful.  The next step in what we hoped for a long time.  We were on our way.  

Worth it.

Good stuff.

I just used Shazam to discover Fight Outta You by Ben Harper. http://shz.am/t45373180

Kyle says

Sally is a really useful pack animal.

Disposable.

Isaac says

But Mom.  Jelly bear needs to be safe too.

Aj says

Look.  Mom put real shoes on me.

Where to Go From Nowhere - 1

It’s strange, the twisting turning forks in the road that get one to the place that they are currently standing.  In my case, that place was a sandy brush-covered rise of land, in middle of nowhere Aiken Co, SC. This place was more than a bit of no-body-else-wants-it-earth, though.  It was the edge of a dream, my dream, and I was awake. 

How I ended up on that sandy hill is an interesting, but common, tale.  We were up to our ears in debt, barely making ends meet, and always looking for a way out.  The dream was always “movin’ on up” and “up from the ground came a bubblin’ crude” – the reality was one foolish easy way out, and a lot of other people’s money, after another.  Until two things happened that started us on the path.  I borrowed Dave Ramsey’s Total Money Makeover from the library and we got the internet.

In 2004 I was living in the inner city of Columbia SC, in a cheap, 900 square foot apartment, with my brother and his girlfriend, my husband, three year old son, and was pregnant with baby number two.  My husband took our car to work every day but information, from the library and internet, took me places.   I found Homesteading Today, an internet forum.  The people there said I could build a house that I could afford, live off the land, and I would be happy.  I believed them.  An idea was born.

Long story short –

8 years –

Bankruptcy –

3 more children –

A move to Kansas –

Then to Las Vegas –

A very near divorce –

And four stable years living back in Columbia and dreaming of the future.

The idea that was born in that apartment had percolated for what felt like far too long, was, actually, becoming rather bitter, overdone, and really not much worth drinking.  It was at that moment, when it was very near too late, that I realized we were there.  A workable, though not perfect, solution.  An answer.   A piece of property for our future and our children’s future.  I was standing there, seeing it with new eyes, all the years of thinking, research, and hoping, had become something tangible.  Something we could stand on.

Something I was standing on.

Formatting

I really don't like the formatting templates on Blogger - I am working on it - if anyone wants to help me let me know.  I want it to be like the jux but with comments and an easy way to link.  

Ellie says

That is the bread and the wine and the twelve rocks are for the twelve disciples then there is Jesus on the cross.  I guess she has been listening.

Disposable.

Earth.

What is "this disposable life" really about?

I can tell you for a fact that regret should be disposable.  No doubt about that.  I don't think that fond memories are though.  Where is that line? The wishing for something past and the appreciation of it?  I suppose that is where the question really comes into play.  As with everything, balance, walking the line, the tight rope of life.  I am sure, to be sure, that Thomas Wolfe had it right when he said "you can't go home again."  Where is my home though where is that bit of earth that makes me, me, that grounds me to the - today?  I don't know.  It isn't where I was, It isn't where I am - blooming where I am planted not withstanding.  

I am quite sure that we all have a very strong relationship to the ground.  That we give and take from our place on it.  I know, that my grounding is not actually physical, it is God, it is my husband, my children, me - in a soul sense not a physical sense, but, and really , though, when I start to ignore the actual physical I know that I am missing something.  I am not one that can hang on to the idea that all who wander aren't lost.  I do feel lost, the wandering has caught up to me, I am done.  

I need something that is mine, ours really, Jonathon and I's and our children's for the first time, I think that thinking about what I am giving them, the future, is most important to me.  I hope that this is a sign of maturity, growth, the age that I pride myself so much in, mid-thirties, while a baby in so many respects, is time to know things that I didn't know when I young or younger.

I wrote that about 5 months ago - It is a little all over the place but I am not going to fix it up.  Because the irony isn't lost on me.  I have found that bit of earth - that will also be what this blog is about.  The journey to my bit of earth.  I really do want to share it with you.   

Disposable.

Working on it

Amie is working on it, nothing new there.

I am going to take a Facebook break.  I need you to work for it if you want to stay caught up with me.  ;)  I need a little less info coming in and a little more space to let me come out.  To figure out what is really worth it, to realize what really matters.

I am planning to do that here.

It has been a long time since I have blogged regularly.  Blogging, letting me be out there has had some negative results in my life.  It is sad.  It is real though.  I think that is the part of me that makes people struggle with me.

I won't bullshit you.

I won't fit in your box.

I will mess up and be honest about it, eventually.

I will do stuff that doesn't make a lot of sense.

I will be proud.

and I will expect the people that are around me to treat me with respect and honesty.

For that I will respect them, be honest with them, serve them, and love them.

(I am sure I will have to love some people that won't do those things for me, but I won't suffer them to take those things from me)

I also want to write.

So, I will.

I really hope that people will comment, even though it is a little more trouble to do so than with FB, I hope that those that I love and respect will share with me about what is really disposable in this life, and what isn't.  I hope that those with more experience than I will share that with me, because I need it.  I hope that this life-long search garners results.  I hope that I don't take this journey alone.

Actually I know that I don't.   I have God,  a wonderful husband and amazing children, my Mom, my dearest family and friends, and my church, these things I know are really worth it.  I will continue to the search about how this looks and where these things belong in my life.

That is my warning - take heed.