#8

7 Things People With Anxiety Want Loved Ones to Know

This is a a pretty good article.

There needs to be a #8.

#8 Some of us have been so scared about what people would think of us if we admitted all of our fears and anxiety that we have pretended like we didn't have them.

What do I do all day?

Most days, at least, or at least especially lately I feel like I don't do anything all day.

I am going to chronicle my day here just to see if I truly didn't do anything.

The last 24 hours:

6PM Wed - making dinner  Frozen Raviolis, steamed broccii, garlic bread

6:30PM serving/eating dinner

7PM escape to my room for a few minutes to do the puzzle

7:10PM Jonathon comes into the room and wants to talk about really deep stuff

8PM  Fix the kids ice cream

8:30PM  Start bedtime routine, do chores, load the dishes

9:30PM  lay down with AJ and fall asleep

10 something PM go and get in my own bed

sometime in the night:  AJ comes into bed with me

5:07AM  AJ wants to nurse - fight him about that until about

6AM  nurse AJ for a few minutes and then got up

6:15AM be followed around by AJ being mad at me because I wouldn't nurse him more, or I gave him the wrong cup with his milk in it or the wrong lid or the wrong straw.

6:45AM  get into a serious discussion with Jonathon about groceries and money

7:10AM Jonathon leaves for work - I don't know what I do, probably drink coffee, avoid AJ and look at my phone.

7:45AM started to make pancakes but realized I didn't have the ingredients so I just made a big batch of the dry part, I also made syrup.  I made oatmeal as a 2nd choice.

I really have no idea what happened between then and 9AM.  I remember it was 9A when I was finally making Ellie get out of bed, had all the kids get dressed and start chores.

Then I got on the phone with DSS, was on hold for 45 minutes and then talked to the lady for about 30.

Kids were doing school, I changed AJ's diaper and worked on lesson goals for our fall session of school.

10:50 I was off the phone and Isaac was doing ETC and said it was time for their break so I sent them all outside.

The were outside for about 4 minutes before Journey was back in because she stepped in chicken poop.  I was cleaning up the kitchen. I warmed up some left over meatballs, made some PBJ's and put out chips and salsa for lunch.

Noon:  they ate and then cleaned up - they had destroyed the living room at some point that morning.

A little after 1PM I left with the middle 3 and we went to the library and speech.  E and I did some school work while at speech.

3:15 I was home and AJ was a sleep so I laid down until 4:30.  Journey kept coming into the room though.

Again -no idea what happened then.  I went out and feed the chickens, gathered the eggs and shut them in for the night.

6PM - started dinner

The story of the girl with the M&Ms

Once upon a time there was a little girl that had many m&ms.  They were really yummy m&ms and she had a lot of them.  No one really knew where she got them, and really, she didn't know either.  They were just there;  all the colors, this was even before the blue ones came out.  She had the holiday ones, peanut, mint, peanut butter, pretzel,  plain-all of them.  She liked her m&ms.  The peanut butter were her favorite.  The m&ms were important.

She liked to share her m&ms.  She would give them out at school or church or sometimes at home - she loved the look of happiness or pride on another's face when they had that little colorful pile in their hand.

Sometimes though people would take her m&ms.  Sometimes they would go missing from the place that she kept them, sometimes they were physically ripped out of her hands, they were dug out of her pockets and snatched as she was about to put some into her mouth.  Sometimes they would reject her m&ms.  She would give and there would be no pride just more taking.

This hurt, it was frustrating, and confusing.

She thought, well I always have more, they always just show up so I guess it isn't a big deal.   Maybe it is normal.  Sometimes though, she would ask people, why do people take my m&ms? I am willing to share. What do I have to do to keep some m&m's?

She was told that she has to give more m&ms then the people would stop taking so many.  She was told that she should take less for herself.  This sounded good to her.

Then

She wasn't a little girl anymore.

She started to tell herself that she was being selfish by taking *any*  m&ms.  Didn't she realize the number of m&ms that she had taken for herself?  It was so awfully many, wasn't it enough?  Actually she thought that she deserved to have the m&ms taken.  What had she done to get the m&ms?  How dare she be so upset about the ones that she didn't have?  She told herself that it was her job to make sure everyone else had their m&ms.

Somehow she found more people to take the m&ms from her.  More and more and more of them.

Then

She would run from those people and horde what was left of the m&ms.  Taking them for herself, bingeing on her freedom to eat as many as she could, keeping them from the takers. Making herself sick.

Time passed as she sometimes gave them, sometimes received them.  Sometimes her misguided attempts to protect the m&ms would make her sick.  Sometimes there were none. Sometimes there were, even peanut butter ones. Sometimes there were m&ms and she would ignore the m&ms, for fear that someone else might take them.

Then

She realized that she was in control of her m&ms. She realized it was her responsibility to stop the taking. That she could do the giving, freely.  She remembered that she loved the giving.

She didn't know how to be in control of her own m&ms.  She had forgotten how to give them freely.

She knew it would be hard - harder than all the taking, harder than the rejection, more painful than the bingeing - she had to learn to be in charge of her own m&ms.