Wake Me Up

I probably won't be posting much for the next couple weeks.  I am finishing up my creative writing course, Thanksgiving is over and Christmas is upon us.  Christmas program practice with 4 of my children, church, keeping the people here fed.  Kyle's birthday - 12 - eek!  Jonathon and I's 10th anniversary.  Working on the property and finishing the cabin.  The thought of decorating or gifts is at the last moment.  My prayer is that with the beginning of advent things will come into perspective.  And, Amazon.  5 more weeks and this next one is a 60 hour - I'll wake up in 2014.

Rain falling on a barren tree

A barren tree –

it produces not.  For a season

it’s spindly branches of gray and brown and white

hold nourishment – waiting.

Few dead, wrinkled, sad leaves hold on

waiting for the next blast of the winter wind.

Sight blends.

Rain drops blur lines.

It smells clean and cold and comforting.

Drops soaking up, in and around.

Silvery clear bright spots.

Held but for a breath.

Another comes and

pushes it away.

Always moving

but In that

moment. 

Still.

Disposable

Being so tired, from not thinking, but moving constantly, that you can't think.

Worth it

Working at Amazon

I might actually hate it. 

Maybe not pedophiles hate

but I really do hate it. 

Is there a metaphor for it?

it is a beehive

it is a think tank for underachievers

it is like one of those boxes

with the maze

and the little ball

that you tilt different ways to get from the “start”  to the “end”,

It only has two exits

It feels trapped

this is significant.

It roars –

in varying degrees, volumes, intensities

All day long

It is lonely in the midst of thousands of people. 

It is very very lonely.

And my feet hurt. 

A lot. 

It is like going into Walmart

putting a banana in your cart

then a fishing lure,

over and over and over for 10 hours

246 isles

6 sections

3 floors. 

It is all for the money.

Damn money.

Ellie says

You will break your skull you marshmallow on wheels

(I won't mention which sibling, who happened to be wearing roller blades at that moment, this was directed at, but you can probably guess)

(I also won't mention to her that I found this creative insulting so amusing)

Kissing power

I wonder what it is like to be about two feet tall?

To be able to see up everyone’s nose.

I wonder what is like to understand but not speak?

To be able to grunt and get what you want.

I wonder what it is like to poop in a diaper?

It’s gross – that’s all.

I wonder what it is like to get everyone to kiss you?

It is powerful.

I wonder what it is like to be so damn cute?

It is perfect

It is him.

Journey says

"Where was I when you were a little girl?"

Ellie says

Mom!  I don't have to carry him.

Worth it

Isaac says

If you can't smell it it's not there.

I wish

I was staring at this instead oof the bee hive.  I wish that I was being inspired or inspiring instead of tolerated and tolerating.   I wish that I could find a way to feel like this made a difference.  

I know it does, to us, to our dream.  Our future.   It doesn't feel like it though.   I can keep walking though.   With just the knowledge.   The brain,  in the most brain numbing place.  Over coming the heart.  Getting one foot to move in front of the next.

Walking.   Walking.   Walking.

working

I have a hard time writing working - because I never stopped working, but working at Amazon is different. It is lonely.  I get to see Jonathon on breaks but I spend most of my hours not talking to anyone, either in print or real life - most of my conversational partners being children, notwithstanding, I miss having people to talk to.  I like to talk.  I wrote really amazing pieces to put on this blog or submit for publication or to simply inspire the world, while I was working, they are all gone now though.  I suppose they served their purpose -

Disposable

Almost 2 miles from the entrance of Amazon.  Creeping traffic.

Worth it.

Worth it.

Our Tree - an observation

It is big – it could be old,

The rings telling the story of each year

but it isn't, at least as far as trees go. 

It is young, fresh, and new. 

It's trunk isn't brown,

not like a child's tree drawing,

it is gray

the only brown is in the shadows of the rough, deep, bark

It is only brown in the shadows. 

It contains tints of greenish-blue as well,

of moss,

they are growing together,

changing over time and season,

Two as One. 

The roots are above the ground in places

It isn’t right that they do that and the tree not fall over. 

The true roots, the stabilizing ones, are hiding under the earth.

The tree is strong, heavy,

it is the 3rd post for the tree house, it is a part of our daily life.

It would produce these horrible little pokey balls every fall,

Spreading its spawn throughout the yard.

it doesn't now. 

It is ugly,

Bald

because the 4 large limbs were cut down off its top. 

The leaves still come back -- determined –

out of stumps, up ten feet.

The tree, it is our helpful, tolerated, friend.

Poems

We are doing poetry in my creative writing class.  It is kinda fun.

Here is a sonnet about dogs.

Dogs

I hate to say I like them

They are most annoying and gross

I am sure my feelings stem

From what they do the most

Poop – how I hate disgusting poop

It is always on my shoe

It makes a big and smelly gloop

That can be overlooked by few

Regretfully I must admit

That I am one of those

One in the house, it is a bit

Silly that I choose

One in the front and one in the back

Plenty of dogs I do not lack.

Never done

Brown and brittle are the beans of yesterday

Into the compost they go – the scent is nothing in the cool of the winter days.

And, yet, the earth does it work

The lettuce barely a trace of what it will be

The pots of pretty petunias are empty – replaced by the perky faces of pansies

The earth’s work is never done.

Herbs flourish – the dill prepares for the summer days of cucumber

Half frozen leaves of tall cannas make home for a spider

Earth moves always round.

Disposable.

A broken mop.  I am pretty sure it is a sign from God that mopping in general is a waste of time.  ;)

Worth it

Kyle the bubble muffin maker - best dishwasher in the south.

Saluting the Sun

I wrote this over a year ago.  It came to mind today at Ladies Bible Study.  

Thurs Aug 2, 2012

Saluting the Sun

I like the idea of rituals.  Well, maybe not, actually I think I like ritual, but not the idea of them.  They breed guilt, though, only in the not preforming them when I say I am going to preform them.  When I first became a Lutheran, or started to consider being a Lutheran I reveled in the ritual of the liturgy.  I came from a method of worship that told me that ritual made you care less, that is wasn't authentic.  That was a hard thing to break, and I think it is part of what is holding on here in my mind.  There is safety in that ritual though, it takes *me* out of the picture.  At least were my faith is concerned it doesn't require me to conjure up some (fake) expression of emotion or need to impress.  The words are right there in front of me, most of them from the Bible and I can just relax in that.  So I like the idea of this ritual, it is comforting, to know I don't have the responsibility to be earnest *enough*.  I am finding this true in other areas of my life as well.

I would like to make it a ritual to do 3 sun salutations, that is a yoga thing for anyone that doesn't know, every morning.

I would like to write on this blog every morning and evening.

I would like to recite a prayer with each of my children individually everyday.

I would like to floss my teeth twice a day.

These are all good things - but did you see what has just happened there, this became a list, a check-mark sheet, another way to tell myself that I am  not good enough when I don't do it all or how awesome I am when I do.  I know that I can not put myself in a situation that breeds legalism, because I know I like it.  I like the yummy feeling of all of my check-marks being marked.  And I despair at them not.

I don't really know what to do with it.

Worth it

Worth it.

Day light savings time

I couldn't quite put it into disposable or worth it - It is really messing with me though.  It might also have to do with the fact that AJ was waking up at 5:30A every morning, or earlier, and this morning woke up at 4:30A thinking, of course, that it was 5:30A.  I dragged myself out of bed at around 5 and turned on the TV for him.  I hate doing that but it is what it is.  I am tried.  I could go to sleep now, I think that it is almost my kids' bedtime but it actually isn't.

I am glad that it will be light when Jonathon and I start leaving for work together in the morning in the next week or so.

Disposable.

Reading blogs of people that are way cooler than you.  Or, reading your own old blogs that make your feel embarrassed for being who you used to be or that you are that same person.

Salad.

Jonathon salad and chicken salad.

Journey says

I am ready to go to the store.

Worth it

Found this lovely lady in our backyard this morning.   Fun to look.  Scary to touch.

Because I am supposed to

It was Halloween.   I dressed up my kids.  This proves it.