Where to go from nowhere - 2

The decision

Like so many things in my life, this property was not love at first sight.    I simply could not see myself there – until I actually was.  This is something that sets us apart from the animals, I heard that somewhere, the ability to envision.  This is also a quality that, for better or for worse, I possess strongly.  I envisioned myself somewhere else.  It was not the first time that I had looked in this area.  I had previously, wholeheartedly, rejected the possibility.  I couldn’t quite let that go. 

Despite my concerns we went to take a look.  .  It was motivating that they had a few plots open, which had not been available, when I had visited the previous spring.  This time we brought the whole family, it wasn’t just me that had to be able to see it.  It had to be all of us.  We loaded up in our 12 passenger van, affectionately known as either Clifford or The Beast, and drove. 

The company that owned this area created farm subdivisions.  I had never heard of this before, but they had a streamlined process; with owner financing and a low down payment.  Honestly it seemed too good to be true.  It would work perfectly for our family.  This plot was 6 acres and private but not secluded, and quiet, blissfully quiet.  Not a siren or speeding vehicle to be heard. 

I talked while we made the 45 minute drive, laid out all the details, the pros and cons.  When we arrived we got out and walked, Jonathon, my husband, asked me again what the terms of the deal were.  Could we really live with the sandy terrain?  Most importantly, would the drive to work for him, to church, to the nearest grocery store 20 minutes, be worth it?  How much more would that add to our budget?  By the time we left he had said “let’s do it.”  I was scared.  It was too easy.

I made the phone calls the next week.  Money exchanged hands, paperwork was signed, notarized, and mailed, and we were land owners, or at least had possession of the land we would one day own.  A dream had been realized.  I thought that this was the moment that everything would change; but the skies didn’t open and burst forth with the Hallelujah chorus, there was no words written in the sand, there was no sign.   Life simply moved forward, the world continued to spin, it was just right and peaceful.  The next step in what we hoped for a long time.  We were on our way.  

Worth it.

Good stuff.

I just used Shazam to discover Fight Outta You by Ben Harper. http://shz.am/t45373180

Kyle says

Sally is a really useful pack animal.

Disposable.

Isaac says

But Mom.  Jelly bear needs to be safe too.

Aj says

Look.  Mom put real shoes on me.

Where to Go From Nowhere - 1

It’s strange, the twisting turning forks in the road that get one to the place that they are currently standing.  In my case, that place was a sandy brush-covered rise of land, in middle of nowhere Aiken Co, SC. This place was more than a bit of no-body-else-wants-it-earth, though.  It was the edge of a dream, my dream, and I was awake. 

How I ended up on that sandy hill is an interesting, but common, tale.  We were up to our ears in debt, barely making ends meet, and always looking for a way out.  The dream was always “movin’ on up” and “up from the ground came a bubblin’ crude” – the reality was one foolish easy way out, and a lot of other people’s money, after another.  Until two things happened that started us on the path.  I borrowed Dave Ramsey’s Total Money Makeover from the library and we got the internet.

In 2004 I was living in the inner city of Columbia SC, in a cheap, 900 square foot apartment, with my brother and his girlfriend, my husband, three year old son, and was pregnant with baby number two.  My husband took our car to work every day but information, from the library and internet, took me places.   I found Homesteading Today, an internet forum.  The people there said I could build a house that I could afford, live off the land, and I would be happy.  I believed them.  An idea was born.

Long story short –

8 years –

Bankruptcy –

3 more children –

A move to Kansas –

Then to Las Vegas –

A very near divorce –

And four stable years living back in Columbia and dreaming of the future.

The idea that was born in that apartment had percolated for what felt like far too long, was, actually, becoming rather bitter, overdone, and really not much worth drinking.  It was at that moment, when it was very near too late, that I realized we were there.  A workable, though not perfect, solution.  An answer.   A piece of property for our future and our children’s future.  I was standing there, seeing it with new eyes, all the years of thinking, research, and hoping, had become something tangible.  Something we could stand on.

Something I was standing on.

Formatting

I really don't like the formatting templates on Blogger - I am working on it - if anyone wants to help me let me know.  I want it to be like the jux but with comments and an easy way to link.  

Ellie says

That is the bread and the wine and the twelve rocks are for the twelve disciples then there is Jesus on the cross.  I guess she has been listening.

Disposable.

Earth.

What is "this disposable life" really about?

I can tell you for a fact that regret should be disposable.  No doubt about that.  I don't think that fond memories are though.  Where is that line? The wishing for something past and the appreciation of it?  I suppose that is where the question really comes into play.  As with everything, balance, walking the line, the tight rope of life.  I am sure, to be sure, that Thomas Wolfe had it right when he said "you can't go home again."  Where is my home though where is that bit of earth that makes me, me, that grounds me to the - today?  I don't know.  It isn't where I was, It isn't where I am - blooming where I am planted not withstanding.  

I am quite sure that we all have a very strong relationship to the ground.  That we give and take from our place on it.  I know, that my grounding is not actually physical, it is God, it is my husband, my children, me - in a soul sense not a physical sense, but, and really , though, when I start to ignore the actual physical I know that I am missing something.  I am not one that can hang on to the idea that all who wander aren't lost.  I do feel lost, the wandering has caught up to me, I am done.  

I need something that is mine, ours really, Jonathon and I's and our children's for the first time, I think that thinking about what I am giving them, the future, is most important to me.  I hope that this is a sign of maturity, growth, the age that I pride myself so much in, mid-thirties, while a baby in so many respects, is time to know things that I didn't know when I young or younger.

I wrote that about 5 months ago - It is a little all over the place but I am not going to fix it up.  Because the irony isn't lost on me.  I have found that bit of earth - that will also be what this blog is about.  The journey to my bit of earth.  I really do want to share it with you.   

Disposable.

Working on it

Amie is working on it, nothing new there.

I am going to take a Facebook break.  I need you to work for it if you want to stay caught up with me.  ;)  I need a little less info coming in and a little more space to let me come out.  To figure out what is really worth it, to realize what really matters.

I am planning to do that here.

It has been a long time since I have blogged regularly.  Blogging, letting me be out there has had some negative results in my life.  It is sad.  It is real though.  I think that is the part of me that makes people struggle with me.

I won't bullshit you.

I won't fit in your box.

I will mess up and be honest about it, eventually.

I will do stuff that doesn't make a lot of sense.

I will be proud.

and I will expect the people that are around me to treat me with respect and honesty.

For that I will respect them, be honest with them, serve them, and love them.

(I am sure I will have to love some people that won't do those things for me, but I won't suffer them to take those things from me)

I also want to write.

So, I will.

I really hope that people will comment, even though it is a little more trouble to do so than with FB, I hope that those that I love and respect will share with me about what is really disposable in this life, and what isn't.  I hope that those with more experience than I will share that with me, because I need it.  I hope that this life-long search garners results.  I hope that I don't take this journey alone.

Actually I know that I don't.   I have God,  a wonderful husband and amazing children, my Mom, my dearest family and friends, and my church, these things I know are really worth it.  I will continue to the search about how this looks and where these things belong in my life.

That is my warning - take heed.