I read this story a really long time ago, when I first learned about grace-based parenting, that was about building fences. (me and grace-based parenting have had a tumultuous relationship which would need another post, but this fences thing applies regardless of where you put the fence or how you prove it.) I tell it pretty often; especially to exasperated moms of little boys. I tell it to myself a lot too, as I am on of them.
An aside - Part of my parenting is the question that I ask my children, often, which is "what is my job?" and "what is your job?" (I suppose for the Lutherans among us this could be vocation) My job is to "keep you (my children) safe and to teach you things" and their job is to "follow directions" (which I suppose is just a gentler way of saying obey). We also discuss Love and Kindness and Compassion but those are more like the things that we get to do and want to do just because we are so blessed by each other - I want those to separate from our "jobs."
Okay so the fences story:
Every parent puts up fences for their children, it is part of their job. The fence is there to keep the child in and keep bad stuff out. The fence is annoying because there is really cool stuff on the other side of it, and we understand that, but it is still there for a purpose and is for the best. This is the thing though, some children will walk up to a fence, point their finger, push the fence with it and walk away to enjoy the green grass inside. This is very few children, but you are blessed if they are one of yours. Others will hit the fence, kick the fence, push it and ram it with their shoulder. Others will back up 50 feet run full speed body slam into the fence fall on their butt and get up and do it again.
That last one would be my children.
And yes, it doesn't matter if that fence had electric shocks every time they hit it - they would still keep doing it.
I keep telling this story to myself and other parents and to my children for several reasons.
One is to realize that boundary pushing is a normal part of life. It is normal because we all want what is on the other side of the fence, at least a little, and if you think that you don't I am not so sure you are being honest with yourself. This is just part of being human, us Christians would call it sin.
Another is to remind us about our jobs - and how they are good and purposeful jobs. I keep them safe and teach them things and they trust me and follow my directions.
But the biggest reason is because I want them to learn to make their own boundaries. I want to learn to hold my own, to build my fences. I am not even saying that every fence has to be a two foot thick brick wall, and I would recommend that it wasn't because sometimes boundaries have to move. But, we should all have boundaries and have a way to hold them, even when people are backing up 50 feet and running full speed at them.
It is hard -
It is hard to know when to move the fence, it is hard to know where to put it with our children and others. It is hard, for me, to know the line between selfishness and boundary setting.
But it is good and necessary and we have to remember that.
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